HMS Fearful (formerly HMS Dauntless)
John A.C.Cartner has sent in this news of pioneering thinking in the
Royal Navy. Since war is against the law, providing for alternative
uses of naval craft shows real thinking outside the box:-
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having
initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the
Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed
them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named
HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and
comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and
human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow’s nest comes equipped with
wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls
to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number
of compensation claims. Stress counselors and lawyers will be on duty
24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with
the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with
Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels
will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on
the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout
the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for;
“Rum, sodomy and the lash”; so out has gone the occasional rum
ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy
remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can
be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavors, except Capstan
Full Strength. No one wishes to encourage smoking in any way.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist
and is to be replaced by the more informal, “Hello Sailor”. All
information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages
and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask
permission to grow beards or mustaches – this applies equally to
women crew members. The MoD is working on a new “non-specific” flag
because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.
The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a
ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who
will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the
water as the Royal Marines Band plays “In the Navy” by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants
aross the channel to ports on England ‘s south coast.
The Prime Minister said, “While these ships reflect the very latest in
modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply
with any new legislation coming out of Brussels .”
His final words were, “Britannia waives the rules”.